Correction d'une chanson en anglais

[Leelow68]

Bonjour, j'ai écrit une chanson en anglais pour mon meilleur ami. Vous pourriez jeter un oeil voir si tout est correct ?

Merci infiniment

What about me

It's so late and your mate suffers his fate.
I can bet that the one who's your fan turned to the dark side.
The cellular phone rings and your answer quietly.
He's hugging his teddy, shivering and crying.
All the tears dropping are falling down the ground
but he knows you'll ever be there to wipe away his tears.

Now your prince is alright, all he needed was you
Hearing your voice to turn his sky to blue.
You told him all the words you will never tell me
You forgive all he does, you forget all I say
Yes you love him, that's a fact but I wish you like me that much

You see each other, there’s a light in your bright sight you fight just for fun, without gun and you run for a kiss but you miss so you laugh you have never enough.
I don’t like him that much, that fifteen years old boy who can make you to smile without any effort. But I know someone makes you that happy can’t be totally bad.

At the moment you met, you needed each other;
Is there a place in your heart for that boy and a girl?
And the only secret that subsists between you
Is the source of this love, the source of your brotherhood.

[damiro]

What about me

It's so late and your mate suffers his fate.
I can bet that the one who's your fan turned to the dark side.
The cellular phone rings and you answer quietly.
He's hugging his teddy, shivering and crying.
All the tears dropping are falling down the ground
but he knows you'll ever be there to wipe away his tears.

Now your prince is alright, all he needed was you
Hearing your voice to turn his sky_blue.
You told him all the words you will never tell me
You forgive all he does, you forget all I say
Yes you love him, that's a fact but I wish you like me that much

You see each other, there’s a light in your bright sight you fight just for fun, without gun and you run for a kiss but you miss so you laugh you have never enough.
I don’t like him that much, that fifteen years old boy who can make you smile without any effort. But I know someone who(m)/that makes you that happy can’t be totally bad.

At the moment you met, you needed each other;
Is there a place in your heart for that boy and a girl?
And the only secret that subsists (remain, subsist = subvenir à ses besoins) between you
Is the source of this love, the source of your brotherhood.

Je ne vois que ça, elle me semble bien écrite ta chanson (Anthos and Co, autre chose à modifier?)
Personellement, il n'y a que cette phrase qui me semble un peu longue et difficile à comprendre...

You see each other, there’s a light in your bright sight you fight just for fun, without gun and you run for a kiss but you miss so you laugh you have never enough.

Pourrais-tu nous en donner la tradution en français, Leelow?

[Leelow]

You see each other, there’s a light in your bright sight you fight just for fun, without gun and you run for a kiss but you miss so you laugh you have never enough.

Vous vous voyez et il y a une lumière dans votre regard qui s'illumine, vous vous battez, juste pour rire, sans arme et tu cours pour l'embrasser mais tu le rates alors vous riez, vous n'en avez jamais assez (sous entendu, l'un de l'autre)

On pourrait mettre un point après "sight". ça couperait déjà la phrase en deux.


Merci de ces autres corrections.