[Anglais] Correction de rédactions courtes

[damiro]

Bonjour tout le monde,

Il nous a été demandé, pour le cours d'anglais de l'Université de Castille-La Manche d'écrire une petite lettre de réclamation à un cirque ayant manifestement beaucoup de à satisfaire ses spectateurs. Ecrire une lettre digne de ce nom demeure encore difficile pour moi, certaines "epxressions et tournures manquant encore à mon bagage linguistique.

Vous serait-il possible de corriger la lettre suivante au niveau du vocabulaire, des "expressions communément employées dans les lettres, bref, de m'aider à améliorer ce travail. Je dois le rendre demain, et comme d'habitude, j'aimerais paufiner...

Merci infiniment,


------------------------

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you to express the great disappointment that I felt while attending the performance given by the Chipperhall Circus, in the Grand Marquee, on Saturday 14th October 2007: most of the information given on your flyer was misleading, not to mention the lack of security.

Indeed, although we had been certified that we would be seated in the first raw, we were in fact located in the third one, behind a huge column supporting the big top, this preventing my two children from enjoying most of the spectacle.

Moreover, we were unable to get any refreshments during the interval, as the staff in charge of this was not numerous enough so as to serve all the audience rapidly and efficiently. This means that my children, aged eight and six, had to thirst for more than one hour and a half, in the heat.

Finally, I cannot tolerate that a lion can escape the detection by its trainer and wander in the tiers, spreading panic all over the audience. Even though this animal is tame, its natural instinct to chase every moving object may still reassert itself.

Unless you take serious measures so as to solve all these problems, I will be forced into lodging a complaint against your circus.

I look forward to hearing from you in due course.


Yours sincerely,

[ANTHOS]

Bonjour Damiro,

C'est très bon ton niveau - quelques corrections uniquement.

Tu mets “Not to mention” mais tu mentionnes quand meme (c'est un truc qui me fait toujours réagir )

-----------------------------------------

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you to express the great disappointment that I felt while attending the performance given by the Chipperhall Circus, in the Grand Marquee, on Saturday 14th October 2007: most of the information given on your flyer was misleading, not to mention the lack of security.

Indeed, although we had been assured that we would be seated in the first row, we were in fact located in the third one, behind a huge column supporting the big top, this preventing my two children from enjoying most of the spectacle.

Moreover, we were unable to get any refreshments during the interval, as there were not enough people to serve all the audience rapidly and efficiently. This means that my children, aged eight and six, had to remain thirsty for more than one and a half hours, in the heat.

Finally, I cannot tolerate that a lion can escape detection by its trainer and wander in the tiers, spreading panic in the entire audience. Even though this animal is tame, its natural instinct to chase every moving object may still reassert itself.

Unless you take serious measures to solve all these problems, I will be forced into lodging a complaint against your circus.

I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Yours faithfully,

[damiro]

Merci beaucoup Andreas!

Tu mets “Not to mention” mais tu mentionnes quand meme (c'est un truc qui me fait toujours réagir )

Oui, c'est vrai. Mais en français aussi, il y a quelques tournures qui s'utilisent comme ça.

Not to mention X = sans parler de X
ou encore: la société X, pour ne pas la citer...
et aussi: il n'est pas nécessaire de vous rappeler que...

[damiro]

Bonsoir,

J'aurais encore une petite demande de relecture. Merci de bien vouloir m'aider. Il s'agit d'un commentaire de l'histoire de W. Sommerset Maugham, "The Bum".


-----------------------

William Somerset Maugham’s story deals with an unknown character’s stay in Mexico. The story begins with a reflection on time and reading. This character is supposedly a professional writer who claims the importance of reading in his life, and obviously, the importance of having time to do so.

This short story is indeed a plea in favor of the acknowledgement of the authorship. Indeed, the protagonist, telling about his trip to Vera Cruz, wants to increase public awareness of the sacrifices and concessions writers have to make when they want to write for a living.
This is clearly shown by the story of the beggar who, as the protagonist recalls, dropped everything in order to dedicate himself to writing.
This situation presents some similarity with what W. S. Maugham himself did, except that he dropped his studies after his first novel’s success, when he already had an opportunity to become well-know.
In this story, on the contrary, the eponymous character, the bum, wanted to run before he could walk and ended wandering in the streets, penniless.

The way the story is written maintains the suspense until the end, as the reader is given the information a little at a time. In fact, what the reader mostly knows at the beginning, and during most of the story, is that a strange red-haired beggar is used to asking for charity on the plaza. As the story goes, the reader gets more and more aware of this man being known by the protagonist who seems more and more intrigued by this hobo who is always looking at him but never approach his table.

In addition to this, many reflections on the writer’s situation are spread through the text and become more and more accurate as the threads of the plot unravel. In fact, as the story goes by, the main character seems to feel some growing sympathy for the beggar. He constantly tries to recall who this man may be and where he may have seen him and at the really moment when he has managed to remember him he says: “Was it possible that the intense consciousness of genius that he had, rested on no ground? He had sacrificed everything to be a writer” .

The links between the atmosphere and the situation is also interesting to analyze, as the backdrop is always used to reinforce the situation described and contrast it. This is clearly shown when the narrator assimilates the behavior of the beggars and bootblacks who “begged to have his shoes cleaned” and “whined their plaintive demands for alms” , with the buzzards’, which circled around the church tower “hoarsely crying, squabbling and jangling” . This process also allows the writer to highlight the compassion he feels toward the beggar who stood motionless.

William Somerset Maugham’s story The Bum is thus a moving elegy for those who could make their name in writing. But it is also a warning for those who, like Icarus, would like to reach the heights too quickly.