A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the
United States of America :
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate
competent candidates for President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except California , which she does not
fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.
2. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing it.
3. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour', 'favour', 'honour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
be eliminated.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-
checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
5. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
6. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not
adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
enough to handle a gun.
7. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
8. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the
South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series
for a game which is not played outside of America .
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You
will learn cricket.
deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector)
from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated
to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper
cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.
God save the Queen.
John Cleese & US elections
John Cleese & US elections
«C'est une triste chose de songer que la nature parle et que le genre humain ne l'écoute pas.» Victor Hugo
Excellent , j'ajoute une autre:
18. All hotels with eating facilities will be required to serve a FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST between the hours of 7h and 14h. The aforementioned breakfast will consist, at minimum, of 3 sausages, 2 fried eggs, 3 rashers of bacon, chips (see note above), baked beans and two slices of buttered toast. Heinz tomato ketchup and HP Brown Sauce, plus copious amounts of tea, will be made available. Other food items to be served at the hotel's discretion, but which we strongly encourage, are mushy peas and fried mushrooms.
18. All hotels with eating facilities will be required to serve a FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST between the hours of 7h and 14h. The aforementioned breakfast will consist, at minimum, of 3 sausages, 2 fried eggs, 3 rashers of bacon, chips (see note above), baked beans and two slices of buttered toast. Heinz tomato ketchup and HP Brown Sauce, plus copious amounts of tea, will be made available. Other food items to be served at the hotel's discretion, but which we strongly encourage, are mushy peas and fried mushrooms.
