proofreading in English

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alluz
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Posts: 5
Joined: 29 May 2004 11:46
Location: genova - italy

proofreading in English

Post by alluz »

Hi!
Could you please tell me if this sentence sounds good in English?

Dear Customer,
following the latest implementations of our range of online services, we invite you to update your profile.

Thanks in advance!!! :hello:
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Cãlin
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Posts: 1031
Joined: 31 May 2004 04:15
Location: Cork, Ireland

Post by Cãlin »

Not bad, but I'd prefer:

As a consequence of the implementation of our latest range of online services, we invite you to update your profile.

;)
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ANTHOS
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Posts: 2804
Joined: 27 Mar 2004 23:06
Location: Barcelona
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my thoughts

Post by ANTHOS »

sorry zcalin but to me your sentence does not use "consequently" appropriately and it is also tortuous

the original is fine and more pleasing to english ears. however, perhaps 'implementation' (in the singular) would be more appropriate, especially if every online service was updated at the same time
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MC-Force
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Posts: 19
Joined: 19 Apr 2004 02:37
Location: Olympia, Washington

Re: my thoughts

Post by MC-Force »

ANTHOS wrote:sorry zcalin but to me your sentence does not use "consequently" appropriately and it is also tortuous

the original is fine and more pleasing to english ears. however, perhaps 'implementation' (in the singular) would be more appropriate, especially if every online service was updated at the same time
I agree. Consequence is negative. Implementation is positive.
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