mistakes+++english

[BLANDINE]

hi,
here is a translation i made a few days ago (the french text is in the french forum)
can you tell me if there are any mistakes??

thanks

b]What a voracious Town! It grows, it spreads, it gains ground. Oh, of course, when we turn our eyes towards it from the top of the cliff, we reassure ourselves and we say we have time. Up to the rocky and unbroken front of its first wave, we can get the view of kilometers of greenery, apparently uninterrupted. But this greenery already gets dull, since the forests are no more than parks, and the fields are no more than watsegrounds, if not manuring plains. Shooting straight out of the star-shaped Town, some roads cut and carve through the countryside, strengthen thanks to a double shell of houses and a double stone-rampart, against which the steel folw of the cars starts to run. Up to Virelay now, there are stone and steel. The road is urban, and it creates an impassable border between various zones. And here are the cross - country trunk roads, piercing each zone, that are pointing and lengthening as they spill their shell of houses. They are still wavering, they are still meandering like lanes. Soon, they will sitffen, straighten, and their straight criss-cross will cut off green squares that will be cut and cut again, and eaten by roads which cross cross-country links, until the last agony, between the fences, of emaciated vegetable gardens. And here are the houses that are jostling each other, that are robbing one another of places where the view is unrestricted. Here are the narrow, rarefied fields that are rubbing against each other, and that are reduced to patches of parallel gardens. Here are the farms, jammed, that are dying. Here are the dirt tracks that are covering themselves with clinker and coating themselves with tar. Here are the party walls that are quarreling. And, one morning, the farmer, already a commuter, awakesn in the middle of an industrial suburb and is surprised to suffocate, and to be a city dweller.

[Runa27 (not logged in)]

I don't speak French, but I am a native speaker of English, I can tell you what looks awkward.

watsegrounds,

Misspelling. But also, not sure it's a real English word. I can think of several words you might have been thinking of, though:

*wastelands - I'm guessing this is what you meant. It means barren lands, lands lacking life or the ability to give life.

*dumping ground(s) - a place where people dump things, where they dump trash or where they leave things they don't care about anymore.

*garbage dumps - same as "dumping grounds", but usually refers to official places where people send or leave their trash.

if not manuring plains.

I have not seen this phrase used before, but that doesn't mean it's not a real or similar phrase in English. I don't farm, so I can't be sure, but it sounds like a farming term.

Shooting straight out of the star-shaped Town, some roads cut and carve through the countryside, strengthen thanks to a double shell of houses and a double stone-rampart, against which the steel folw of the cars starts to run.

I would use the conjugation "strengthening", because "strengthen" sounds like it should have an "and" phrase at the end of the sentence (by which I mean, AND then they do something else ).

I think it should be "double stone rampart" or "double-stone rampart". You may want to double check with someone else, but that looks really awkward and not quite right.

You misspelled "flow", too. Looks like a typo (typing error).

Up to Virelay now, there are stone and steel.

Is. Should be "is stone and steel." Otherwise, most native speakers' first thought here is "stone and steel what?".

The road is urban,

...urban? I don't know the context really, so I'm not sure if this is correct or not. It sounds like the road is part of a large city. Urban brings to mind large cities. Suburban is somewhere in between rural and urban, mostly residential areas. This may not be technically correct, but it's what the word makes me think of.

and it creates an impassable border between various zones. And here are the cross - country trunk roads,

...what's a "trunk road"?

piercing each zone, that are pointing and lengthening as they spill their shell of houses. They are still wavering, they are still meandering like lanes. Soon, they will sitffen,

Should be "stiffen"

straighten, and their straight criss-cross will cut off green squares that will be cut and cut again, and eaten by roads which cross cross-country links, until the last agony, between the fences, of emaciated vegetable gardens. And here are the houses that are jostling each other, that are robbing one another of places where the view is unrestricted. Here are the narrow, rarefied fields that are rubbing against each other, and that are reduced to patches of parallel gardens. Here are the farms, jammed, that are dying. Here are the dirt tracks that are covering themselves with clinker and coating themselves with tar.

This is damn good-sounding... except what's "clinker"? I might not know the term if it's about road construction, I'll admit.

Here are the party walls that are quarreling. And, one morning, the farmer, already a commuter, awakesn

I think you could use "awakens", here.

in the middle of an industrial suburb and is surprised to suffocate, and to be a city dweller.

All in all, it sounds good. A few glitches here and there, but overall, it's a really good-sounding piece. I don't know exactly how accurate the translation is, but again: it sounds good. And that leaves me impressed, since prose is notoriously hard to translate and have it still sound good!


-Runa27